on not wanting to do anything i want to do

here’s the honest i-really-really-don’t-have-it-altogether truth: i haven’t posted anything here because i haven’t wanted to. shocking. i know. i haven’t even known why, but it’s been eating at me for the last few weeks that i have so much inside yet nothing feels allowed to come out. i think it’s mostly because i have been overwhelmed by everything i have been learning and tackling in my emotional and spiritual space. i think. here’s hoping committing to this page helps me understand


~


i want to do so many things

i want to share so many overwhelmingly heaven-sent revelations that i know will help others

i have so many half-written documents and journal pages

i want to paint beautiful things

and draw plants forever

and finish reading all twelve books i am currently somewhere in the middle of

i want to write about the beautiful places i have been visiting

i want to share the magnificent colours through the photos i have been taking

i want to tell those i’ve thought of that i’ve been thinking of them


i want to write the poems that have been humming in my heart


but i also haven’t wanted to

i am tired as soon as i lean into the membrane between spirit and world

because my inner sanctuary is already under deep reconstruction

and i guess for now my energy has a grace limit of between Dad and i


necessary:

writing this right now is my way of saying

i accept

i accept and i surrender

and i give up all of the things i want to do


i choose to give back all my desires to my King

the One who planted them in the first place

i choose to do more than accept

i choose to love that i am here

i choose to love that i’m exactly where my Jesus said i would be:

in a season of renewal, healing and promise-fulfilling

where the foundations of my entire life are being reset


i choose to stop comparing myself to everything around me and to stop listening to the "you are falling behind" and "you can't even fully finish one task" lies that are trying to steal from the Truth


i accept and love and celebrate that i have so little to give my external world in this season

because i know what it means:


someday soon i’ll have rainbows to sing out loud

someday soon jazz melodies will determine my conversations

someday soon my ability to love will feed both loved and lover

someday soon more and more promises will be gladly stumbled upon


and i’ll end up on my knees all over again

responding in deeper praise than i’ve ever known

because my faithful Father will have done it all over again

He will have followed through on every good promise


all over again


__


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